Tale of the unexpected | 1 October 2011

I imagine there is software that helps you write biopics for television. First you pick the childhood from a drop-down menu, selecting [poor but respectable] [very poor] [so poor that all your belongings will fit into a single wheelbarrow which your mother pushes from a grim slum to the nearby hell-hole]. Father deserts family [yes] [no]. Star is determined to make it big but [is sent from one agent to another with mocking laughter in their ears] [meets an impresario who is sceptical at first then turns incredulously to accompanist and says, ‘My God, she’s got something!’].

Then there are the other staples which must be included by law. The trip to the Glasgow Empire, where the previous act has had fruit thrown at them. Does the aspirant entertainer [suffer the same fate] [win them over with a brilliant performance]? Actually, I don’t know why the Glasgow Empire was regarded as such a crucial challenge.