Taking the rap

In Competition No. 2514 you were invited to recast a fairy tale as a rap. I thought that fairy tales might translate well into the language of rap. After all, violence is a dominant theme in both genres (especially in the Grimms’ original x-rated versions, which featured scenes of murder, mutilation, cannibalism, infanticide and incest that would make Stephen King blanch).

The winners this week, printed below, were outstanding. Convincing raps, like successful Mills & Boon romances, are not easy to pull off. So it’s a well-deserved £30 each. Natural-born rapper Bill Greenwell nets the bonus fiver.

Felicity Powell didn’t enter this week’s comp but, driven to despair by the genius of certain serial winners, she submitted the following plea: Dear Basil, Bill and Adrian Fry,/ However hard and long I try/ To Match, compete/ With you, D.A., G.M. and Alan Millard,/ Attempts prove far too hard/ And end with just a torn-up sheet./ Perhaps you should be penalised/ And all you write to be in Greek.

Yo tha starlet in tha scarlet is tha goodie-totin hoodie
With a plan to heal her grandma but she sayin howdy-doodie
Tho her momma said no stoppin & kip one eye out fa snoopers
But the zipcode on her lips is meat & drink to Mr Lupus
When she pickin pretty flowers off tha narrow off tha straight
Mr Lupus eatin grandma whole & don’t need any plate
& he waitin in tha sheets & he thinkin of dessert
Red Ridin Hood an eyeful of a trifle in a skirt
Big Eyes Big Nose but what’s this that Grandma doin?
Big Teeth he get her redcoat down his throat tha road to ruin
& Mr Lupus sleepin soundly with tha grandma & tha child
Since a wolf int got no rule gainst eatin schoolgirls & is wild
But tha axman like tha taxman he is bound to make a call
And instead a makin tracks, man, Lupus think he got it all
A wolf within a negligee may think that he is cool
But no-chew-only-swallow Mr Lupus is a fool.