Surprising literary ventures | 9 December 2006

Santa’s Twin
(1996)
by Dean Koontz

Dean Koontz is the author of the schlock-horror novel Demon Seed (later a film) about a woman who is raped by a computer. Further offerings include Watchers, Lightning, The Bad Place, Intensity, Fear Nothing, and False Memory. His talents, however, don’t end there. His publishers explain: ‘At the request of his fans, bestselling novelist Dean Koontz has created a contemporary masterpiece that is destined to take its place alongside “The Night before Christmas” and A Christmas Carol as a perennial Yuletide favourite. Santa’s Twin is the hilarious and heartwarming story of two little girls, Charlotte and Emily, who set out to save Santa from his mischievous twin — Bob Claus — who has not only stolen Santa’s sleigh, but has stuffed his toy bag with mud pies, cat poop and broccoli! Plus, he’s threatening to turn Donner, Blitzen and the rest into reindeer soup! And look at the mess he’s leaving under the tree!’

Oh wait, I have terrible news.
Hope it won’t give you the Christmas blues.
Santa was mugged, tied up and gagged,
Blindfolded, ear-stoppled and bagged,
Locked in his cellar under the Pole,
Down in a dismal, deep, dark, dank hole.
His sleigh is waiting out in the yard,
And someone has stolen Santa’s bank card.
Soon his accounts will be picked clean
By the use of automatic-teller machines.