Sturgeon’s dead cat wheeze

Coming soon to the Edinburgh Fringe: Evita without the self-awareness. Nicola Sturgeon trialled her one woman show today with an impromptu press conference at Holyrood, following her shock arrest less than a fortnight ago. Bravely, the former First Minister gave the performance of a lifetime, sticking to her Dalek-like insistence on her innocence while, er, managing to give away nothing new on the grounds that she is ‘heavily constrained’ by the police investigation.

‘I have done nothing wrong!’ she proclaimed, adding that she had ‘searched her soul’ on whether to step down as an SNP member but that, shock, horror, she had decided not to do so. How long did all that soul-searching take, eh Nicola?’ She ended by throwing her weight behind her successor, of whom she said ‘I think Humza is doing a fantastic job as First Minister. I wish he hadn’t faced some of the circumstances he has, but I’m incredibly proud of the job he is doing.’