Storm Doris is here. It’s time to panic

Today is Storm Doris’s day.  A woman called Helen Chivers, not Shivers as she should be, from the Met Office was on Radio 4 this morning telling us that giving human names to gusts of wind is a really good thing because it makes everyone aware of the dangers of bad weather. We must keep our ears glued to the radio, the way you see in old war films and remain very alert because Storm Doris is going to be windy and there will also be snow in Scotland. I’m not taking any chances and will retire to the cellar under my house.

Yesterday I was alerted to other new dangers in my once humdrum life. I thought my new cooker had broken because I was unable to light it. But when an engineer came to take a look, he explained that there was nothing wrong with it. My problems were all due to new ‘safety’ features and you cannot avoid them.