Steerpike

Stanley Johnson, replete with energy and charming as ever, is touring the country looking for a safe Tory berth to ease himself into at the next election.No takers so far, I’m told, but the wily old bird has devised a brilliant ruse to boost his chances. He’s been dropping hints that his occupancy would last only until May 2016, when Boris’s second mayoral term ends. Johnson Snr would then fall gracefully on his sword, leaving the seat vacant for the blond bombshell to launch his bid for the Tory leadership and Downing Street. The so-called ‘baby lotion strategy’ (Johnson & Johnson) is proving hard for constituency chairmen to resist. One snag is that sister Rachel claims to have devised the ploy for her own benefit and is telling friends that her dear papa snaffled it from under her nose. If sibling Jo retains his Orpington seat in 2015, the Johnsons may become a larger faction in parliament than the Lib Dems.

Richard III fever strikes. Among the many descendants of the wonky-backed Plantagenet schemer is the current occupant of No. 10. Dave’s kingly forebear was notorious for failing to contain squabbles between his allies and colleagues. And we now learn from archaeologists that he was killed by a metal spike plunged into the rear of his skull while he wasn’t looking. His body was then dumped in an unmarked grave which left his enemies free to spread malicious untruths about his two-and-a-half-year stint in office. Strange that Mr Cameron offers us no lessons from this colourful tale. Talking of stricken grandees suffering from curvature of the truth, poor old Chris Huhne has been so busy writing letters of resignation that he hasn’t had time to amend his website. ‘Greetings!’ announces the homepage of Eastleigh’s own Stirling Moss. A lovely photo of Mr Huhne beams out over a list of Lib Dem policies beginning with a pledge ‘to cut crime’.