Spectator competition winners: W.S. Gilbert’s guide to wedded bliss

In Competition No. 3208, you were invited to submit a recipe for marital bliss on behalf of an author of your choice.

Pausing only to give an honourable mention to Simon Hunter, I pass you over to this week’s terrific winners who each nab £25.

I am the very model of a guide to conjugality Advising every blushing bride to face up to reality. If you can follow my advice and act with due humility You’re guaranteed a life that’s spent in unalloyed tranquillity. While testing your endurance when he uses the ‘facilities’, The seat’s still raised, but don’t complain; it might invoke hostilities. Be sure he always has his way and don’t be argumentative, Massage his ego every day, you know he’s hyper sensitive. He’ll air his views on anything, both social and political, Regardless of the facts — but curb your instinct to be critical, The same with countless stories, told with numbing regularity, And well-worn jokes that must be met with resolute hilarity.