Spectator competition winners: William McGonagall on Magaluf

Your latest challenge was to imagine William Topaz McGonagall’s poetic response to Magaluf. McGonagall was much taken with the town of Torquay, and wrote a poem singing its praises. But what would the Tayside Tragedian have made of Shagaluf? He took a dim view of alcohol, if these lines are anything to go by:

Oh, thou demon Drink, thou fell destroyer; Thou curse of society, and its greatest annoyer. What hast thou done to society, let me think? I answer thou hast caused the most of ills, thou       demon Drink.

Some of you clearly reckon, though, that beneath the teetotal, god-fearing façade lurked something altogether wilder. Commendations go to Nicholas Hodgson, David Shields and Adrian Fry. The winners, below, pocket £35 each.

Basil Ransome-Davies Let me invoke my muse to describe and explain What a wonderful town there exists on an island       of Spain, Where in general the natives speak Spanish And visitors can make their troubles vanish, Thanks to the magnificent Spanish sense of       hospitality And famous, hot-blooded Latin vitality. In beautiful Magaluf the sangria’s strong on brandy Giving rise to opportunities galore for       hochmagandy For British tourists who are so astonishingly       uninhibited That extremes of audacious behaviour are       frequently exhibited, Such as falling over and throwing up in the gutter. Though ’tis not respectable, my heart is aflutter To witness scenes that remind me of Auld Dundee On Burns Night, when the booze and crack       flowed free Small wonder that Magaluf’s praises are sung. Now tell me why depravity should be only for the       young.

Chris O’Carroll Discriminating travellers, get ye to Magaluf, which       is by far superior To all other holiday destinations in sunny Iberia. On the well-known Spanish island of Majorca this       beautiful resort is located And seldom if ever has a town been more       sublimely situated. The white sand of its beach and the turquoise       water of its bay Make it a most attractive spot for visitors to frolic       and play.

Among British tourists, one very popular form of       recreation Is swimming to a nearby island famed for its black       lizard population. This swim of just 400 meters frequently follows a       binge of drunken revelry, Which, I regret to say, greatly increases the danger       of drowning in the picturesque sea.

Visitors to Magaluf have also gained notoriety Due to brawling, public nakedness and other       manifestations of insobriety. Alcoholic beverages are sold there at an       astonishingly low price, But to partake moderately is my solemn and       heartfelt advice, For the antics of reeling, roistering holidaymakers       are a great international disgrace, Detracting from innocent enjoyment of this idyllic       place.

Alan Millard Of sunshine Scotland doth not have enough so       some say And would prefer for to go to Magaluf and stay On an island which did form off the Spanish       peninsula 150 million years ago and was quite insular Till came the Carthaginian then, in 123 BC, the       Roman Which for building roads was a very good omen. But tak care afore ye do go for certain seers do       foretell That the future of Magaluf doth not bode well, They say marauding drunks will despoil the place Bringing upon the town very dire disgrace And that one will fall from a high balcony one day Like those who on that Sabbath of 1879 fell into the       Tay. But ye who do fear such a future can relax, Because of the Balearic Isles’ unpopular tourist tax There are some who do believe that one day,       happily, We may again choose to holiday in beautiful       Torquay.

Bill Greenwell I recommend the charming seaside village of       Magaluf, Which is famed for its sports, appealing to those in       the flush of yoof, And which is the jewel in the navel of Iberia, For no hedonist has ever found anywhere superior.

The clubs of Magaluf are filled with antics most       charming, And the house music does make the young people’s       heads ring, After which they paint the town and the beach with       a purgative yellow With our native fish and chips, and sometimes       Balearic paella.

Near Magaluf is a Wave House, a most interesting       watery Xanadu, And an infinity pool that is always a deep shade of       blue, Although sad to say, it is not popular with the local       population, Who do not understand our enjoyment of chemicals       and copulation.

Hie you there, for Magaluf is full of libations and       their vendors Who encourage the stags to engage in most       wholesome benders, And where the Carthaginians conquered, led by redoubtable       Hannibal, Tourists will find their skins are very easily tannable.

Your next challenge is to submit estate agents particulars as they might have been written by a well-known author (please specify). Please email entries of up to 150 words to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 28 August.