Spectator competition winners: rude food

The latest challenge was to provide a review by a restaurant critic that is tediously loaded with sexual language. I have had this comp up my sleeve since reading a piece by Steven Poole in the Observer in which he laid into the relentless sexualisation of food in our culture: ‘Everyone revels in the “filthiness” of what they are naughtily pleased to call “gastroporn…”’, he writes. And Jamie Oliver ‘describes pretty much everything he is about to cook as “sexy”, as though not quite sure whether he would like to shag it or eat it …’ With the recent return to our screens of the queen of innuendo, Nigella Lawson, now seemed like a good time to set it. Lawson has said that she is mystified by the tag, which rather implies that it is all in the dirty minds of her devoted fans. Or perhaps, as she claims, it’s all down to the editing.