Spectator competition winners: Rishi’s five pledges in verse

In Competition No. 3316, you were invited to recast Rishi Sunak’s five pledges in verse form. The tone this week was one of acerbic mischief. A nod to Ann Drysdale, who earns a commendation, and to Elizabeth Bishop, John Masefield and W.S. Gilbert, to whom entries below owe a debt. Prizes of £30 land in the laps of the winners.

Five promises I pledge to save our nation

And just like Half a Sixpence, Half a Crown,

By halves I do things, so I’ll halve inflation

And keep demands for higher wages down.

Our economic record is appalling

But, like Jack’s beanstalk, soon you’ll see it grow.

I’ll make sure that our national debt keeps falling,

And with the magic gold pay all we owe.

Impatient patients feeling ill and sickly

Will queue no more, I’ll sort the wait times out.

Like King Canute, the tides I’ll hold back quickly

And force those little boats to turn about.

Five promises I pledge to save our bacon

Five undertakings you must judge me by,

So trust in me, be bold, be brave and take on

My firm belief that, one day, pigs will fly.

Alan Millard

As some day it may happen an election must be won,

I’ve got a little list – I’ve got a little list,

To tell you all the things I’ll do before this term is done,

Pray listen, I insist – I’m sure you’ll get the gist.

Inflation? Never fear, for I shall cut it down by half,

The cost of living crisis – you can write its epitaph.

The economy will grow, with luck you’ll all be better-off,

Unless it’s just my pals that get their noses in the trough.

The National Debt will fall, and then we’ll all be in the clear,

I’m not sure how, it’s billions up on what we had last year.

The NHS, the waiting lists; we’ve watched the numbers soar,

‘We’re fixing that,’ I said – but hey, perhaps we should do more.