Spectator competition winners: how to get rid of an unwanted guest

The invitation to suggest remarks guaranteed to get rid of a guest who is outstaying his or her welcome drew in the punters. Leading the pack as surefire ways to get lingering visitors reaching for their coats were birth videos, Estonian whisky, Stockhausen, didgeridoo recitals and Rolf Harris’s greatest hits. Also popular were suggestions along the lines of Basil Ransome-Davies’s ‘While you’re here, how about a spot of anal sex?’ and Tracy Davidson ‘Fancy a threesome?’, both of which struck me as somewhat risky. If all else fails, there’s always Graham Pirnie’s admirably uncompromising ‘Fuck off you boring old cow/git.’ Those printed below are rewarded with £5 apiece.

Nicholas Hodgson Can anyone else smell gas?

Right, time to get the vuvuzelas out.

Do you want to hear my party piece? I’ve memorised π to 999 places. It’s 3.1415926535897932384626433…

Brian Murdoch I’ve got this really rare recording of the whole text of Beowulf chanted in Anglo-Saxon — it should be perfect at this time of night.

Basil Ransome-Davies Enoch was right!

The FA haven’t got a clue, have they? Sven twists them round his little finger while shagging everything in sight, Fabio takes the money and runs, after the Wally with the brolly makes us a laughing stock, then Woy comes along waving the flag and still any side that’s really trying can murder us.