Spectator competition winners: Henry VIII on Donald Trump

The latest competition, to submit an extract from a speech in which a well-known figure from history comments on a pressing item on today’s news agenda, saw you on blistering form. Rob Stuart gave Pythagorus’ view on the new Toblerone (not a fan); Frank Upton offered Thomas Crapper’s perspective on transgender public conveniences; Michael McManus delivered St Paul’s Letter to the Climatians (‘…let no rubbish escape recycling and resurrection); and Brian Miller imagined Winston Churchill on Ed Balls’s Strictly efforts (‘We will not say that Balls danced like a hero, but that heroes dance like Balls.’) The winners take £25. The bonus fiver is Brian Allgar’s.

Brian Allgar/Henry VIII We, Henry, hereby do encourage thee To act against the dread LGBT. Unnatural! We’ve had a wife or two Who craved the nameless things that women do, Ofttimes requiring strange vibrating toys. Our bishops seek debauchery with boys, And what new devilry now plagues us, when Some men turn female, women change to men? Yet which is which? We do not care to guess.