Spectator competition winners: festivals with twat-appeal

The call for extracts from the unappealing-sounding programme of a festival that is making a misguided attempt to stand out in an overcrowded marketplace drew a smallish but distinguished field. Competitors might have taken inspiration from the Daily Mash’s ‘Magic Fox Vintage Smoothie Boutique Urban Forest Pop Up Chill Retreat’, a ‘hybrid of Waitrose and The Wicker Man’ and ‘a combination of all the most annoying, smug, po-faced aspects of festival culture into a smorgasbord of heavily-branded twatness’. Highlights included ‘people wearing fox masks just prancing around aimlessly’. Adrian Fry shone and is rewarded with the bonus fiver. The rest earn £30.

Adrian Fry The Tipsy Boar, Tunbridge Wells, is proud to host the Saloon Bar Philosophy Festival. Some of the finest untutored minds in Britain will be setting forth their views on anything and (literally) everything. With all lectures guaranteed to last longer than you thought possible, it’s tremendous value. From metaphysics (a retired butcher asks Is Nothing Something? with accompanying vaguely illustrative gesticulations) to Ethics (an Esher housewife explains Fairness Isn’t Always Right with reference to something recalled from a Roger Scruton column) there’s something for everyone.