Spectator competition winners: celebrity biographies with unfortunate misprints

In Competition No. 3276, you were invited to supply an extract from the memoir of a celebrity with some unfortunate misprints.

Step forward, Nick MacKinnon’s Matt Hancock: ‘I was sorry that “bushtucker trials” wasn’t a typo, as I am expert at handling pubic heath during box-tickling exercises on hidden cameras’; Basil Ransome-Davies’s Nigel Farage: ‘I proudly affirm that Make Britain Grate is the slogan of a go-ahead, viral nation. Believe me, as president of the Deform UK Party, I swear that Britain comes above all…’; and, last but not least, Brian Murdoch’s Prince Harry, whose panic–inducing tell-all was the inspiration for this challenge: ‘Living with the pressures of loyalty didn’t agree with us, and we decided to lie in California.’

The winners below earn £25 each.

I came back after Paul died by doing Strictly, but I had to do some pirates to regain my puff. When you don’t exercise your pelvic flaw, you can miss out on winning prizes, and I so wanted atrophy. We tired hard but came second!
These days I also appear in pants, oh yes I do! I love it when the audience jeers the villain, and when I’m offstage, I always join in with my Behind. You see, life is about having fun, and every day I wake up with a smile in my heart, a gin on my lips, and a bright spark inside me.
But I miss being the lonely assistant, watching Paul pull habits out of rats, or letting him make me varnish in a box (those were sticky moments!). What a farce of nature he was! Together we were the perfect comic dud.
Bill Greenwell/Debbie McGee

From my earliest days I abhorred nature. In my long life I have deplored the planet, experiencing the great pains of Africa, immense turds of zebra, and cat-infested raves. I have studied the behaviour of birds frying on migration, flaunting their glossy leathers, and delighting in their snogs.