Spectator competition winners: Alan Bennett writes to Santa Claus

The first festively themed challenge of this year was to compose letters to Santa in the style of the author of your choice. I failed to track down examples of real letters from well-known writers to Old Nick (although both Mark Twain and Tolkien penned letters to their children from Father Christmas). But this was more than compensated for by the terrific standard of entries: step for-ward, David Silverman, channelling Dan Brown: ‘Dear Santa, I know who you are, buddy! And I can prove it! You’re an anagram of SATAN!…’; John Samson as Irvine Welsh: ‘Dear San’a, Gonny gi’e us back ma literary credentials…’; and Adrian Fry’s Harold Pinter: ‘I’ll be here when you come, wide awake… Expect no brandy, no pie: alms patronise. Finally, no laughter. Absolutely no laughter.’ Other worthy runners-up are Frank Upton, G.M. Southgate, Katherine Lloyd Clark and A.J. Snyders but they were outstripped by the winners below who earn £30 each.

Brian Allgar/Lewis Carroll You are fat, Father Christmas, your tummy is shocking! The chimney may prove a tight fit To deliver the things that I’d like in my stocking — I urge you to diet a bit.

A cat with a grin that will gradually fade, An egg with a shell that is broken, Flamingoes for summer, when croquet is played, And some hedgehogs, polite and well-spoken.

A teapot where dormice may peacefully snooze, A potion that makes me grow smaller To pass little doorways whenever I choose, And a mushroom to render me taller.

Above all, a Snark who would tickle my head While I teach him to count up to five — But be careful you don’t bring a Boojum instead, Or you’ll vanish before you arrive.