Spectator competition: why death is good for you (plus: add a final stanza to a well-known poem)

The recent invitation to submit an imaginary feature from a newspaper’s health pages extolling the benefits to wellbeing of something traditionally thought to be bad for you drew a smallish entry, but I was impressed by your ability to cast pork scratchings and lard in a favourable light. If you have always viewed the deep-fried Mars Bar with suspicion, think again: Rob Stuart’s entry argues (not altogether convincingly) that, far from being ‘nutritional Armageddon’, the DFMB actually provides us with the requisite five-a-day. Who knew. Brian Murdoch makes a heroic attempt to rehabilitate excessive boozing: ‘The Romans knew about it, of course, and new guidelines have re-endorsed the values of binge drinking as a regular purgation of the system.’ And Cathy Bryant rebrands adultery as an aid to weight loss and fitness (‘The cardio-toning effect of the sweating and shaking as you lie to your spouse means that you’re well ahead diet-wise.’)