Spectator Competition: We can be heroes

In Competition 3378, you were invited to give the full 18th-century, mock-heroic, rhyming-couplets treatment to any trivial recent event. Whether this was applied to news stories or more personal minor tragedies, the standard was remarkably high, with near misses for Alan Millard, Max Ross, Elizabeth Kay, Jasmine Jones and others. It was also striking just how many Spectator readers are impressively knowledgeable fans of I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! The following win £25.

As burnish’d russet fruit of spreading trees

Burst from their spiny nests across the leas,

Heroes were pitched in combat, ever bent

On triumph in a momentous world event.

For hark! The clash of conkers filled the air;

Who dealt the mightiest blows, attacked with flair?

One man yet rose triumphant from the fray,

‘The Conker King’ had conquered, won the day.

Victory, alas, can be a fickle friend

When there’s a hard-won title to defend,

Suspicion fell upon his winning bid:

A metal orb within his garments hid.