Spectator competition: Tips for writing ‘thanks, but no thanks’ letters

The new year challenge was to compose a thank-you letter for a particularly unenjoyable Christmas visit to relatives that manages to be diplomatic but deters them from ever inviting you again.

This one obviously struck a chord. You produced a catalogue of seasonal torture that had me squirming in my judging throne: uncomfortable blow-up beds; minimal central heating; lecherous uncles; interminable Trivial Pursuit sessions; 2,000-piece jigsaws (‘all week spent on that dried-up riverbed from central Africa’ — Jeremy Carlisle); unpalatable vegan food; home-made celery, nettle and parsnip (mulled!) wine. And so it went on.

There was nice work all round, but high fives in particular to William Casement, J.C.H. Mounsey, Andrew Currie and Frances Hawxwell, who were unlucky losers. The winners earn £30 each and Adrian Fry pockets the bonus fiver.

Happy new year.

Adrian Fry

Cousin Charles,

What an unending pleasure Christmas in the Dickens household proved. From the moment little Dora played her piccolo at us upon arrival to your insistence young Alfred recite Tennyson’s ‘In Memoriam’, in full, to mark our departure, the entertainments were unceasing.