Spectator Competition: Swifties 

In Competition 3358 you were invited to submit a passage in which Gulliver travels to a Taylor Swift concert and recounts his impressions. By and large it was felt that he would succumb to fandom, though a few were more sceptical – George Simmers found him observing: ‘Of all the Laputan scientists none received more acclaim than the philosopher who had devised a scheme for the infinite accumulation of money. I asked how this was achieved and was told, cryptically, “Merch.”’ There were a lot of very lively entries, and those printed below win £25.

Despair had almost overcome me after three days at sea, but on the fourth morning I spied a strange shore and made for it with the last of my effort. Little did I know that after painful years of travel I had found the land of angels. I would call it Heaven, but its true name is Erastour. The natives of Erastour are girls. The youngest are mere children of 11 and none are older than 26. (I know not what befalls those who exceed this age: exile to the neighbouring land of Coldplay, perhaps?) The Erastourians are happiest when worshipping their goddess, a shining creature strangely clad in men’s hose and riding boots who hovers on high and leads them in prayer while a million candles dazzle the eyes and the trumpets of Jericho assail the ears. After my cruel summer, I like it here all too well.

Joseph Houlihan

On arrival at the big top, I presented a scrap of parchment at the outer portal to the effect that I, Lemuel Gulliver, had been invited by my author’s niece, Taylor, to see her perform her Eras act, which I naturally imagined would move gradually from the ancient Mesopotamian civilisations to the present day. The doorman examined my letter of introduction, and said, rather scornfully, I thought: ‘Lemuel? Was that your Uncle Lemmy in Motörhead, then?’ Such gibberish did not, however, impede my progress towards my seat, from where I could see an audience full of outrageously … insubstantial … trapeze artist costumes, complete with floppy beaded bracelets, which people gave to complete strangers as a token of ‘friendship’.