Spectator competition: Henry VIII’s bedroom tax (plus: poems about beards)

In Competition No. 2881 you were invited to take your lead from Carol Ann Duffy and provide an amusing poem about a piece of government legislation. The first line of Duffy’s poem ‘22 Reasons for the Bedroom Tax’, ‘Because the badgers are moving the goalposts’, is, of course, a reference to environment secretary Owen Paterson’s unfortunate attempt to explain the government’s failure to reach cull targets. A congratulatory slap on the back to Adrian Fry, who managed to wring an entertaining poem out of the Chancel Repair Bill. Commendations, too, to Mike Morrison, Virginia Price Evans, Max Ross and John Whitworth. Alan Millard takes the bonus fiver. The rest get £25 each.

Alan Millard ’Twas legislation heaven-sent, A spark of pure enlightenment, That glorious Act of Parliament Which crowned the days of yore: Austerity throughout the land, Delights denied, indulgence damned, The ecstasy of Christmas banned In 1644.

O Cameron, follow Cromwell’s lead And have us all from Christmas freed By legislation which, indeed, Would fervently be backed! We’ve had our fill of Christmas fare, The annual frenzy drives us spare, Restore the law, be Cromwell’s heir And reinstate the Act!

Brian Allgar We, Henry, have a scheme to fill the coffers Of our estate, impov’rished by the greed And profligacy of disloyal scoffers Possessing chambers far beyond their need.