Spectator Competition: Hearing things

In Competition 3356 you were invited to imagine a conversation between some objects that don’t normally talk. This was inspired by the funny/spooky ‘Green Candles’ by Humbert Wolfe (a popular poet in the 1920s and 30s), which ends with these sinister lines:

‘I know her little foot,’ grey carpet said:

‘Who but I should know her light tread?’

‘She shall come in,’ answered the open door,

‘And not,’ said the room, ‘go out any more.’

The cutlery was quite chatty, as were the pots and kettles. It was a shame not to have room for, among others, D.A. Prince’s doormat/car key exchange, Alan Millard’s quarrelsome fish and chips, Jane Smillie’s salt and pepper flirtation, and Adrian Fry’s No. 10 lectern and brolly discussing the PM’s decision to use one but not the other. The winners receive £25.

Said Knife: ‘I think all must agree

I’m monarch of all cutlery.

I cut, I carve, I stab, I slice,

I am a versatile device.