Spectator competition: Cormac McCarthy applies for a telesales job (plus: write a saucy short story)

Inspiration for the latest comp came from a young Hunter S. Thompson’s characteristically unorthodox pitch for a position at the Vancouver Sun. An unflattering portrait of his relationship with a previous employer — ‘The man despised me, of course, and I had nothing but contempt for him’ — is followed by an attack on journalists en masse, who are, he says, ‘…dullards, bums, and hacks …stuck in a bog of stagnant mediocrity’. The godfather of gonzo didn’t get the job. Commendations to Peter Goulding, R.M. Goddard and Josh Ekroy. The winners take £25. Alan Millard pockets the extra fiver.

Alan Millard: Rudyard Kipling applies to be a zoo keeper Dear Sir, with pleasure I apply To be a keeper at your zoo, Of creatures none knows more than I Nor so deserves an interview.

I know the chimp is not a chump, And why a trogon never trots And how the camel got its hump And why the leopard grew its spots.

I know how rhinos got their skin, Why kangaroos such long tails grow, And all about the origin Of what made animals ‘just so’.

There’s not a beast I don’t adore Nor any creature that I hate, Oh please employ me I implore, You’ll find no finer candidate.

Brian Murdoch: The Beowulf-poet applies to be CEO of Tesco Hwaet! I, who before put Beowulf in book, Here privily pursue the princely post, Tesco’s command, that company’s kingship.