Sorry, mate

To say ‘I’m sorry’ once can be emollient, but as everybody knows, to say it three times with arms flapping like a penguin is downright inflammatory. Most of your apologies were for sexual misbehaviour. Since there are so many other domestic sins just as exasperating as infidelity I found this surprising. The prizewinners, printed below, get £25 each, and the bonus fiver goes to D.A. Prince.

Dear, there’s so much — so where do I begin?
(To you the smallest fault’s a mortal sin.)
I’ve boiled your egg too hard (again!); your Times
Is creased (I read it first); the cat — her crimes
Are also mine — slept on your scarf; the car
has yet another scratch; the Marmite jar
is empty; yet again the toast is burned.
You muse on all the skills I’ve never learned.

So while I’m kneeling, desperate to atone,
I’ll fling in all the men I’ve ever known.
You never guessed? — OK, well, here’s the names:
George, Simon, Toby, Christopher, Matt, James,
the plumber (unpronounceable), Tom, John,
Sid, half your cricket team (shall I go on?),
Bill, Martin (he was great!) — you want the rest?
I feel much better now that I’ve confessed.
D.A.