I will always remember what I was doing the night I tried to downgrade my Sky package. Scorched into my memory with pain it is, just like the day Elvis died. It started ominously. I had turned on the television. I only turn on the television once every six months. Every time I do so I feel like a battered wife going back for more abuse. I thought I could make it work this time. But, really, what was I expecting from a series of channels called ‘DMax’ and ‘Dave Ja Vu’ and ‘Movies4Men’?
On this occasion I was amazed to find an astonishing amount of excruciating idiocy including Monster Jam, a programme about trucks crashing into each other; Ninja Warrior, a programme about people crashing into each other; Home Video Heroes, people’s home videos of trucks and people crashing into each other; Celebs Off Duty, which was footage of celebrities, using the word in the loosest possible sense, going to the supermarket; Rescue Chef, like Pet Rescue only with lasagne; and Pulse Yoga, like yoga only with…actually, it was just yoga.
When I got to the film channels, most of those that had once been free were encrypted and required a code to be put in before I could watch anything.
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