Sketch: Chairman Mao gets flung across the Commons

That was a funny way to say sorry. Osborne kicked off his autumn statement with a Niagara of self-congratulation. He does the same thing at the budget. He said his wisdom, foresight and courage had rescued the nation from bankruptcy and set us on a golden path towards wealth, security and happiness. His glorious achievements reach every part of the UK, he went on: the tumescent north is swelling more vigorously than the shrivelled south. Birmingham creates jobs three times faster than the Home Counties. And the perkiest employment rate is to be found in the west country. He then reversed this claim and vowed to combat the ‘geographical differences that have bedevilled our economy for decades.’ A strange way to talk about your greatest success.

But this contradiction went unnoticed because Osborne had a discovery to announce. He’s found 27 billion pounds inside an old toffee wrapper at the bottom of the Treasury’s sweetie-jar.