Real life: ‘I am going to sit here until you issue me with my warranty papers’

This is the story of the amazing, disappearing car warranty. It is a cautionary tale that all second-hand car buyers should heed. And it goes like this.

The amazing, disappearing car warranty began life as an apparently normal car warranty issued to a Volvo XC90 I bought for a very reasonable price after the builder boyfriend helped me negotiate by deploying his best south London geezer tradesman banter. What clinched the deal was the salesman telling the builder he was so sure we would be happy with the car, he would issue his ‘wife’ with a one-year Gold warranty.

‘She’s not my wife — thank god! Ha ha!’ bantered the builder, sparking much hilarity, ‘but that’s a great offer. We’ll take it.’

A leaflet from the warranty company, entitled Customer Protect, was then handed to me, explaining that: ‘All mechanical and electrical components are included against a breakdown during the warranty period.’ And there were three pages full of lists of parts covered including the gearbox, the engine, the torque converter and the head gasket.