If you are wondering, any more than usual, how your tax is being spent, you should know that I have been summoned to a Calf Stretching Education Group.
According to the letter from the NHS, it has come to the attention of my local hospital that I have tight calf muscles. ‘We would like to invite you to the Calf Stretching Education Group in order to give you the opportunity to manage your condition better.’
My condition is still a little unclear to me, but it has something to do with a lump on the side of my toe. I went to see a specialist about a bunion and she deduced that I am standing on my feet incorrectly.
It is uniquely depressing to learn that you don’t know how to stand on your own two feet after nearly half a century, but I suppose that as I do struggle to stand on my own feet metaphorically it should not be too surprising to discover that I’m making a pig’s ear out of standing on my feet in actuality.
I am collapsing into my arches, which has resulted in a bunion that is inoperable. I thought they could just saw a chunk off my foot. But the toe needs to be swizzled back round. I’m already sleeping in a funny little toe brace I bought on the internet from China — saving the taxpayer from providing it at least — which makes me feel like my big toe is falling off by morning.
But the specialist said I also need to do calf-stretching exercises every three hours for a month. Every three hours, I have to stand on a slanted block that I’m too embarrassed to ask the hospital for so have ordered one on Amazon for £20 plus p&p.
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