Real life | 30 June 2012

‘We’re going to have to shoot you,’ said the man from the auspicious publication about to feature an article on my new book.

I naturally assumed he hated it so much he was going to put a bullet through my head, until he said, ‘In fact, we need to photograph you as soon as possible…’

‘Oh, yes, of course,’ I said, making out I did this sort of thing all the time. Actually, I’ve been the subject of a photo shoot once before. Now I’ve done two, I can confirm that they follow a pattern.

They always take place in a loft-style apartment with bare brick walls. When you have been buzzed in, there are always four people there — a photographer in jeans, a stylist in an unfathomable dress, a make-up artist who has just had a baby and is expressing milk at the make-up counter (seriously, this happened both times) and a 22-year-old work experience boy who is so good looking you can’t concentrate on anything that is happening, which is unfortunate because an awful lot is happening and you need to keep your wits about you.