‘No, I do not do WhatsApp.’ That’s pretty much all I ever seem to say to people nowadays. They ask me if I do WhatsApp, I say I don’t do WhatsApp and they never bother with me again.
I deduce from this that not only can we not now meet in person (so 80s), we cannot talk on the mobile phone either (so 90s), and nor can we email each other (so noughties). We have to do WhatsApp.
I don’t know what WhatsApp is and I cannot bring myself to find out. In answer to the next person who asks, I say: WtfApp! WhocaresApp?! GetalifeApp!!
I was full up with pointless technology when I got as far as using an iPhone. So befuddled am I by dictating incoherent text messages into its voice recognition function, I cannot possibly start logging onto instant messaging sites or downloading apps that will get me into trouble — because I always get into trouble when I try to do digital jiggery-pokery.
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