Melissa Kite Melissa Kite

Real life | 29 December 2016

After being driven out of Balham by tofu-wielding Corbynistas, thank heavens for a copper who’s got his priorities right

issue 31 December 2016

What a fraught, divisive, infuriating sort of year it’s been. It started with me attempting to go on a blind date and being clocked by a speed camera doing 35 in a 30 in the dark on the way home. And on the way to the speed course, obviously, I pranged my car trying to park. I took this to be an omen. The ex-builder boyfriend was duly dusted off and put back into active service.

In February, while having two new tyres fitted at a tyre shop in Wandsworth, I found myself being hit on by a jihadist tyre-fitter.

We got chatting as I sat in his waiting room. He sat at his desk, beneath a golden passage from the Koran, and I somehow ended up telling him I had been to Iraq.

The next thing I knew he was confessing to the fact that he was just back from there, for top secret reasons.

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