May God forgive me, but I paid the fine. I couldn’t fight them any more. Wearily, shamefully, I picked up the phone and dialled.
‘Good afternoon. Welcome to the London Borough of Lambeth. Your life may be ruined for quality and training purposes. Please press the star key on your keypad if you have any strength left in your fingers despite the onset of a small stroke at the thought of giving us yet another £60 for a non-existent parking offence.
‘Thank you. Please listen carefully to the following evils. If you cannot decide which is the lesser of the evils, please press zero at any time.
‘For extortion demands, press one. For street care and recycling fascism, press two. For left-wing propaganda about what will happen to you if you don’t put your wheelie bin in the right place at the right time, press three. For all other misery, please hold…
‘Thank you.
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