Melissa Kite Melissa Kite

Real life | 13 December 2017

It looked as though I would be condemned to wander aimlessly round the tile store, a refugee from sanity

issue 16 December 2017

If only I knew whether I would have a kitchen, I could order a turkey. But despite having an almost finished kitchen space, half the kitchen units are still stacked up in the dining room and a weighty impasse has developed over the delivery options for the rest of it.

Naturally, the shop can deliver the cooker, dishwasher and worktops right now, but there will only be one man in the van and another man will be needed at my house to help him carry the worktops. I can’t carry them, and I am not remotely insulted by the gender bias this implies.

Stefano, meanwhile, is refusing to come back until all the units are on site. I told the kitchen manufacturer this and they said they could deliver the kitchen now but they will need another man.… It’s chicken and egg, or should I say turkey and egg. Do turkeys lay eggs? I feel I should know that.

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