Quaglino’s, the vampire brasserie

Quaglino’s is an ancient subterranean brasserie in St James’s, a district clinging to the 18th century with cadaverous fingers. It was founded in 1929 by -Giovanni Quaglino, who once wrote a book called The Complete Hostess; do not buy a haddock that weighs over 2lbs, he counsels, among other things. Quaglino’s is called a ‘grande dame’ by the sort of critic who confuses ‘grande’ with louche. Quaglino’s initially catered to posh idiots who thought they were ‘edgy’ because they listened to jazz during the abdication crisis. The Queen came once — the first time a reigning monarch had dined at a restaurant — and Princess Margaret repeatedly, but the Queen did not return; louche, then.

Quaglino’s slid and was resuscitated by Terence Conran in 1993 with an ‘altar of crustaceans’, cigarette girls — yuk! — and notorious ‘Q’ ash-trays repeatedly stolen by customers; now it is resuscitated again by a conglomerate called D&D, which owns restaurants called things like Iconic (Japan) and Plateau (Canary Wharf).