Probably the biggest financial crisis of all time

At this juncture, my best credit-crunch advice is to keep beside your armchair at all times an atlas of the world, a modern American dictionary and a bottle of whisky. If your constitution is strong, you might also want a copy of the Financial Times but do keep the television zapper handy, so you can hit the ‘mute’ button when the news comes on.

You can tell from the order of the silent pictures whether markets have plunged or rallied, which is really as much as you want to know. If the first shots to appear are of Russell Brand or yachts at anchor off Corfu, it has been a relatively good day for your savings. If it’s stock footage of traders mouthing the word ‘carnage’ or forests of estate agents’ For Sale signs, you know your net worth has just taken another terrible kicking. As for the voices you’ve chosen not to listen to, most of them are just guessing and extrapolating from extreme and unprecedented short-term market events: as I’ve said here before, no one really knows where this is going.