Prisoners, phones and Amazon’s bottom line

On the Amazon page that sells the world’s smallest mobile phone, the reviews are mainly about putting it into your bottom. ‘What more can you ask for,’ writes a man called John Doe, ‘than this ergonomic phone that fits snugly in your rectum?’ Sean writes, ‘No anal problems!!! Didn’t hurt my bum at all!’ Pookey says it’s ‘easy to butt dial’, although may be talking about something else. For another customer, the big problem is that ‘you can barely feel the vibrate function when it is concealed’. Although don’t worry, because ‘Bluetooth reception is OK’. Why ever take it out?

Many of these phones are advertised under the slogan ‘Beat The Boss!’, which initially is something of a puzzler. What sort of jobs do these people have where they aren’t allowed phones or even pockets? Or is this perhaps a contest? ‘Now, Jenkins,’ says the boss. ‘I can manage a Nokia 3310 and, at a push, one of those old flip-cover Sony Ericssons. And your job is on the line, unless you can go up to three.’

It turns out, though, that the Boss is not a boss. Rather, it is a Body Orifice Security Scanner, otherwise known as a large grey metal chair of the sort you will often find on the way into prisons. Normally, this is what these phones are for — smuggling into jail. Nor do they always go into your bottom (also known as your ‘prison wallet’). Sometimes they go into your Mars Bar, which is not a euphemism.