Present ideas

We have a super-efficient friend who has all her Christmas shopping both purchased and wrapped by the end of the summer holidays. It drives Mrs Spencer — who regards the approach of Christmas with the panic-stricken horror of a hedgehog who spots an oncoming truck — almost mad with jealous rage.

In an attempt to calm her down, I always say that we should just buy each other a small token (chocolate peppermint creams for her, Australian soft-eating liquorice for me), so she has one thing less to worry about as she does the rounds for her relatives, friends and colleagues. Then I find myself loafing in the West End one afternoon, spot something expensive that would suit her to a tee, snap it up with infuriating smugness and tell her I’ve got her something really nice, but of course she should only give me the liquorice as agreed. Even I can see that this is not an honourable way of behaving.