Past perfect | 8 March 2008

You have neat, slicked-back hair which never gets dandruff. You keep a pile of beautifully laundered white shirts stacked in your office drawer. You look great in your sharp suit and so does everyone else in theirs. The girls in the office are there to service your every need, and actually discuss with one another tactics for making themselves look sexier and how to please you more.

You smoke ALL THE TIME — so incredibly often that people in the future are going to look at you and wonder how it can possibly be that you and your friends smoked so much — and you do it suavely, without guilt or fear, for cancer has barely been invented.

You can give girls’ buttocks an affectionate pat in the office and that’s OK because sexual harassment hasn’t been invented either. Girls dress in a pretty, feminine way and seem quite prim and demure, but underneath they’re really gagging for it.