Sunday
I can exclusively reveal that Dave will open conference by appearing on stage with the man from the oven chips empire. Anti-Bush stickers available in heavily disguised packs in foyer for a limited period only. To be worn spontaneously on lapels when Dave and Mr McCain (sounds like western!) ascend the platform at 16.45.
On the fringe, DD presents: ‘Are we having an identity crisis?’ (he means Britain, by the way) and Michael Ancram asks: ‘Why are we here?’ Oh no, sorry, that should be ‘Why are we there?’ — it’s about Afghanistan. Phew! We don’t want him getting his guitar out and going all hippy on us this year, thank you.
Monday
9.00 The Hot Topic Debate, organised by yours truly! Should we ban all advertising to children? Could I just give you a hint here? It’s the red button marked ‘no’ on your keypads. Otherwise I’m in big trouble. I know Mr Letwin says we want to ‘stop sexuality being forced down people’s throats’ (yes, he did actually say that) but things are a bit more complicated than just doing something about it.
9.40
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