O come let us adore zhim

In Competition No. 3078 you were invited to submit a politically correct Christmas carol.

One of Donald Trump’s election pledges was to end ‘the war on Christmas’, and he has given the electorate the presidential nod to say ‘Merry Christmas’ again instead of the more inclusive ‘Happy holidays’.

But was this ‘war’ pointless and misguided in the first place? As Adam Gopnik points out in the New Yorker, Christmas ‘is, at its roots, the very model of a pagan-secular–synthetic festival as much as it is a religious one — just the kind, in fact, that the imaginary anti-Christmas forces are supposed to favour…’ and concludes: ‘he war on Christmas is over. Christmas won.’

So, safe in the knowledge that Donald Trump would approve, I wish you all a Merry Christmas. Thank you, as ever, for your funny, clever, thoughtful and well made entries — and occasional competition suggestions. Keep them coming next year.

Strong performers this week were Ian Barker, Pat Lowther and P.T. Brown. They each earn a festive honourable mention. The winners pocket £25 each.

God help ye, merry gentlemen,
You’re making girls distraite,
Your incorrect behaviours
Quite spoil their holiday
Put your misogynistic jokes
And mistletoe away!
Or whinings of piety shall cloy,
Ever shall cloy,
O, whinings of piety shall cloy.
Adrian Fry

While shepherds ate their vegan gruel,
Inclusive and right-on,
Their fire was free of fossil fuel,
Yet with great warmth it shone.

A visitor appeared to them
From unpolluted skies
To tell them ‘go to Bethlehem,
You’ll get a big surprise.

You’ll find a magic baby there
Newborn by natural birth
Whose eco-mission will prepare
To green this fallen Earth.’

Once there, along with three BAME kings
Who bore the infant gifts
Of healthy and organic things,
They worshipped Christ in shifts.
Basil Ransome-Davies

O come all ye faithful
Also non-believers
Also all Islamists and Sikhs and Jews
Also all pagans
And the Zoroastrians
O dulce et decorum

In saecula saeculorum

Or if you like, ignore him
Christ the Lord

Regardless of gender
And of orientation
O come ye O come ye if you so choose
Birds bees and insects
Any stance on Brexit
O dulce etc, etc.