New Year resolutions

Tamzin Lightwater’s New Year resolutions

Seal the Deal

Goodness knows why, but the polls are still suggesting that a few strange voters are not yet 101 per cent sure they want Dave for PM. This sounds wacky, but we have to take it seriously and do everything we can to address that last tiny bit of doubt. As such we will be monitoring Dave’s parting 24/7 to make sure it doesn’t creep up into a quiff.

Be Less Posh

I’ve just spent five hours going through shadow Cabinet biographies on Wiki erasing public school references. Painstaking work but the sort of dedication that is going to be needed if we are to gain the British people’s trust. Next task: Issuing new Speech and Language Guidelines to MPs — always flatten vowels where possible; refer to ‘dinner’ or ‘tea’, never ‘supper’. When campaigning in marginals try to slip in references to something called a ‘settee’.