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Brendan O’Neill

The moment in the ‘grooming gangs’ debate that shamed Jess Phillips

Our needs are really very mild,
so please don’t be too critical,
if we just crave a little seal,
to decorate our winter coat.
Don’t show those bloody, mashed-
up cubs,
it spoils our pleasure, gives us guilt
to see the virgin snow stained red,
and quite distressing for the kids.
We love our s.u.v. so much,
it’s big and strong and rules the
road,
don’t tell us how we heat the globe,
it spoils the little fun we have.
The ice-cap melting’s not our fault,
it’s all those planes that stain the
sky,
of course we like to fly each year
but global warming’s not our fault,
the scientists will find a way,
to make those jolly ice-caps stay.
I really love my snakeskin boots,
and now you say it’s very cruel,
but snakes are really slimy brutes
and now they’re farmed, so it’s ok,
and men must make a living anyway.
And oh those shocking, violent
thugs
who love the animals more than us
and want to stop us using them
to test the latest wondrous drug.
When they put prods inside the
brains
of monkeys, and even cats and dogs,
they do it just because they must,
because it helps the human race,
and I’m quite sure they don’t feel
pain,
and think of all the things we’ve
found,
by cutting open a living brain.
So please don’t be too critical,
it hurts our treasured way of life,
and now they want to stop our
hunts,
to stop us killing fox and deer
when what we do is natural,
and has been so for many years,
it keeps us sane and trains the kids
and keeps the countryside untamed.
So please don’t be too critical,
mankind is after all the king
of all that lives and moves and swims,
and that’s why God chose us to
think,
to be above the common beasts,
so let’s enjoy and hunt and kill,
and don’t be greedy, just eat your
fill.
So