My vote winner? Banning ‘fun’ runs

00:00 05:41

Philip Hensher has narrated this article for you to listen to.

One of us must once have told a political pollster: ‘I really have no idea at all who I’m going to vote for.’ A moment of mild exasperation put us down as ‘Don’t knows’. Forever afterwards, the prospect of an election, whether for Wandsworth council, the Mayor of London or the Battersea parliamentary constituency, brings them out. The doorbell goes, and there is a bright-faced, footsore, ill-dressed but dedicated party activist, clutching a clipboard. Without exception, each is firmly convinced that he knows what you are going to complain about.

‘Do you have any concerns about your neighbourhood?’ a Labour canvasser once asked. I couldn’t immediately think of anything, so he helpfully prompted: ‘What about the Ethiopian church round the corner?’

I must have looked puzzled. The church used to be an old and unattended Anglican church, which some years ago was handed over to Ethiopian Coptics. It’s very popular – the hundreds of white-robed worshippers and the lavish canopies at festivals are one of the picturesque sights of the neighbourhood. They are always having expulsions on remote theological questions. Sometimes half the congregation holds their own fissiparous service in the churchyard in a passive-aggressive style. I rather love the murmuring plainsong from within when you walk by on a Sunday morning. I couldn’t think why anyone would have concerns about them.

‘There’s been a few issues,’ the canvasser explained. ‘There’s been arguments breaking out in the congregation.’ ‘What sort of arguments?’ I asked. ‘Disagreements,’ he said. ‘One time, the police had to be called.’ It seemed to me among the odder obligations of the Metropolitan Police, to adjudicate accusations of heresy between Coptic factions, but in any case, the disagreements had not much impinged on our regular life.