My ‘virus’ turned out to be arthritis

‘Hallo! You was callin’ us about appoint…MENT!’ said the lady at the scanning unit of my local hospital in broken English.

Nothing wrong with that. It’s just that when I received a letter bearing the logo of a private company informing me of the details of my forthcoming MRI, I got all excited, anticipating efficiency.

Although I was having it done on the NHS, the appointment came through swiftly with no mention of the health service on the paperwork, which raised my expectations.

I rang to confirm, but after holding for a while I was told to leave a message and someone would ring me back.

A few hours later came the cheery ‘Hallo!’ The tone was reminiscent of a holiday booking rep or a call centre for a home furnishing company as she took me through a list of medically urgent questions:

‘Do you wear hearing… AID?’ No. ‘Do you have any im… PLANT? Could you be pregNANT? Do you have any gunshot wound or shrapNEL?’ No.‘Do you have a picture of it?’‘I’m sorry, what?’‘Do you have a picture of it?’‘A picture of what?‘No picture! Do you have a pic-TURE? In earrrr?’‘No, I don’t have a picture in my ear.’‘No picture! Pic-TURE of it!’

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Brendan O’Neill

The moment in the ‘grooming gangs’ debate that shamed Jess Phillips

This went on for some time until finally I said: ‘I’m really sorry, but no matter how many times you say that I’m not going to understand it. Can you spell it?’

And she spelt the words ‘cochlear implant’. I swear that was not what she said before. But anyway: ‘Do you have met-tal fragMENT in yurrr eyes?’ No. ‘Could you be pregNANT?’ We had that already.

‘Do you have any cleeps, peens, join replaceMENT or emboleeeesation coys?’ Er… No? ‘Do you have a sten-t?’ No? ‘Do you have a shun-t?’ No? I’m going with no.