My list of Britain’s national character flaws

Before we start, let’s firmly establish my long-standing affection for the United Kingdom. Why, some of my best friends are British. Yet at the risk of overgeneralisation, recent events have exemplified a few shortcomings in the otherwise sterling national character.

Nitpicking pettiness. We’ve whole front pages dedicated to the Labour leader’s carryout curry one evening during lockdown; to between which hours (8.40 p.m. to 10 p.m.) the offending curry was consumed (Keir Starmer’s failure to reveal if it was lamb korma or chicken vindaloo is deeply troubling); and to which other eateries were then still open. Thanks to this rigorous coverage, we all know that Starmer’s hotel was serving food outdoors until 9 p.m. Mind, this follows forensic media examination of how many occasions during lockdown the Prime Minister imbibed alcohol with colleagues, the scandal that some of said alcohol was transported in a suitcase, and the ferocious debate over whether Boris Johnson was gifted with or actually accosted by a birthday cake.