My iPhone, iPad and Blackberry are conspiring against me

‘How often do you de-frag this?’ said the Good Geek in the phone shop.

I had gone in finally to buy an iPhone. Trembling, I produced my laptop so we could download some software and save all the contacts in my BlackBerry and then port them back over to the new device. Or something.

The Good Geek is so called because, unlike the other whizz kids who look at me like I’ve got two heads when I come in and ask for ‘a phone with buttons’, he always tries to help me. But he still terrifies me. He had only had my laptop open a few seconds before he typed something into it that made it display its brains all over the screen. As the alien letters and numbers flashed on a black background, I started to feel sick and dizzy, and the overwhelming urge to grab the laptop and run.

‘Hmm? What’s that?’ I said, my heart beating in my stomach, neck, head and legs, as well as my chest, as I watched the numbers and letters run up and down the screen like decapitated chickens.