My approach to wine? Wishful drinking

I fancy myself as a bit of an oenophile and during the lockdowns, when my local branch of Majestic was forced to close, I joined The Wine Society and started buying wine from a variety of online sellers such as Vivino and Goedhuis & Co. The upshot is that I get three or four emails a day from these companies and have become an expert in deconstructing their sales patter. The common theme is to coddle the self–deception of the buyers that they aren’t full-blown alcoholics – heaven forfend! – but are obsessed with wine for some other, entirely respectable reason.

For instance, Goedhuis is currently promoting a ‘platinum selection for the Jubilee weekend’ on the assumption that its customers are going to be hosting garden parties this bank holiday. To ‘kick things off in style’, it recommends a magnum of Paul Goerg Blancs de Blanc champagne (£65), although a bottle of Chablis 1er Cru Vaillons from Billaud-Simon (£30) ‘is everything an elegant garden gathering deserves’. I’m quite tempted by the Chablis, even though the only people who are going to be in my garden in Acton this weekend are me and my dog. As usual, it’ll be absent friends I’m toasting, not the Queen, as I guzzle a whole bottle.

The pretence here is that dipsomaniacs like me ‘sip’ their wine instead of downing it

Other excuses Goedhuis offers for those itching to feed our habits are ‘long weekends’, ‘the first barbecues of the year’ and ‘sunny evenings’. So far, I haven’t taken advantage of the opportunity to buy any of the 2020 red Burgundies to ‘lay down’, partly because every month Goedhuis offers me the chance to snap up wines from a ‘major private cellar’, which I assume is one of its customers who’s gone bankrupt. I’m actually a huge fan of this upmarket wine merchant, but I try to limit myself to one case a month to avoid a similar fate.