To: Karen Moran, HR Director, BBC
Dear Ms Moran,
I have decided to give up on the gardening this year, after a number of dispiriting setbacks. Last year I invested a fairly large amount of money, and about four hours per week, in trying to grow vegetables. But despite the fence and the pellets and the presence of a large plastic falcon called ‘Mr Roberts’, almost all of my crop was eaten by wild things. Woodpigeons, rabbits, caterpillars, slugs etc. I once saw a woodpigeon eating some of my kale while perched on Mr Roberts’s head, a terrible indignity for such a proud and fierce bird. In the end I had about 20 courgettes, and nobody in my family is fond of courgettes. So henceforth I will go to Morrisons for my vegetables, like I used to do.
I am bringing you this important news because, with four hours per week freed up, I have more than sufficient time available to be chairman of the BBC Trust, at the previous salary of £110,000 per annum. I assume, given his track record, that’s about the amount of time Patten put in each week. I can match that.
I am writing to you, Kazza, because you are the chief honcho at HR in the corporation, and it is you whom applicants for a whole host of other utterly superfluous and fatuous jobs are enjoined to contact on the ‘BBC Careers’ website. Such as ‘Content Services Creative Co-ordinator’, which isn’t something I’ve just made up but is apparently a real job and one for which I would also like to apply. I will do that job for no money at all — a huge saving to the licence payer — by abolishing it on day one.
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