Music, moonlight and dahlias

The words that echoed constantly in the back of my mind as I read this book were from Paul Simon’s song ‘Train in the Distance’: ‘the thought that life could be better is woven indelibly into our hearts and our brains’. Paul Hollander’s thesis is that modern America’s ultra-individualism has led its citizens to expect perfection in every aspect of life, relationships included. Which means that Uncle Sam and Auntie Samantha are in for a few disappointments. Your neighbour’s grass is always greener — so his wife sunbathing on it looks curiously attractive …

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Hollander differentiates his fellow countrymen from people on this side of the Atlantic. Americans’ ‘popular romanticism does not follow the European idea that finding the perfect soul mate is outside the control of the individual, that it is something mysteriously pre-ordained, a matter of fate or providence.’ Instead they believe, go-getting positive thinkers that they are, ‘that there are many individuals out in the world who may be ideal long-term partners, provided that the appropriate methods are used to locate them.’

Hollander’s study of these methods concentrates on personal ads and internet dating sites. There are fish in the barrel — let’s shoot. ‘Me: beautiful, slender …’ runs one ad, ‘I have a weakness for Bach’s English Suites, the beach in the later afternoon on a summer day … cutting dahlias for the dinner table, cooking the perfect roast chicken, Chopin nocturnes, making love in the moonlight.’ As Hollander himself asks, ‘do such people really exist, and if they do, why would they need to advertise their overpowering, self-evident attractions?’ He compares the Stateside listings with British ones: ‘Bald, short, fat, and ugly male, 53, seeks shortsighted woman with tremendous sexual appetite.’