Miliband’s tablet of stone may cost him my vote

You have the advantage over me. You know the result of the general election, whereas I do not — a consequence of the moronically linear progression of time. Indeed, you may already have fled to one of those countries with a much lower tax rate and less fantastically irritating politicians — Algeria, for example, or Benin. Or Chad. And you are reading this digitally on some patched-in fibre-optic service, the electricity generated by goats trotting forlornly around a gigantic hamster wheel outside — but you are nonetheless delighted with your new life, despite the flies and the occasional gang of marauding, maniacal jihadis.

At least you’re not here to experience Britain being well and truly sturgeoned. No vaulting ginger munchkin can get her greasy paws on your wallet. It may well be that by the time you read this, the only people left in the country will be me, David Hare and Eddie Izzard, plus a few boatloads of newly arrived immigrants from the Islamic State.