Jeremy Clarke Jeremy Clarke

Low life | 25 April 2019

After I drank it, I ended up naked and shackled in a police cell

issue 27 April 2019

‘How’s your day going?’ said the taxi driver as he snapped his knob into drive. If I caught the plane it would be a miracle. Angry with myself for failing once again adequately to plan a simple journey to Bristol airport, I decided to tell him. ‘Well, my mother is dying of cancer, my brother’s cancer has spread to his hip, and mine is showing signs of waking up. I’ve just had a tax bill for 30 grand, I’ve had three hours’ sleep in the last 36, and unless you get me to the airport in 40 minutes I’m going to miss a plane. Otherwise everything is tickety-boo.’

‘So where are you off to today?’ he said, sincerely envious. ‘France,’ I said. ‘France!’ he exclaimed. ‘Do you like wine?’ ‘Not much,’ I said. ‘The wife likes white and I like red,’ he said, undeterred. ‘Aldi does some incredible wine. I’ve been working my way through their reds for under a fiver and at the moment I’m liking this Bulgarian red for £3.99.

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